JustBhem

If I can write all the pain for the past few years, it will be a very long journey. Thank God I don't have that long mile to bring back those sad memories. Only few miles I would like to share. I thought thinking of quitting my job as a customer service rep/technical support/ sales support was the biggest and brilliant idea I had. And it was not at all. It was the worst and very bad decision I made. Maybe because I was so tired of the IR's I had. If I remember completely, I was a very competent and very energetic type of agent before. I always come at work very early just to have a perfect spot. I always don't want to be late and off the cuff. I had all my things well prepared in my station, my computer will be ready, headset is in control. I really loved to go to work. 5 years of being an agent is quiet tough. From being a customer service. I was trained for another scope and I'm still getting the same payout. The last one was very hard. I always end up in anoth...

I'm back after months of being away from here. Well, I feel oblige to write here once again for I don't want this blog to turn to ash. This has been my zen for so many years. And it is so nice to be back once again. I have so many stories and happenings I want to share here. I have an iPhone now. Thanks for a friend who gave me this piece of heaven. I cannot afford to buy this even in my dreams and so grateful that this friend who is very generous and kind gave it to me. I still don't like my mother. She never change and I doubt she will. And I am trying to understand her now. But there are still days I hated her for being so insensitive and dishonest. I'm still praying that she will change for the better. I am still on HD (HemoDialysis) and there is this one time I had a worst after session feels. Like I keep vomiting and I get sick. And it was only for one day. Still thankful though nothing serious happen to me. I have a huge problem at the moment. Our comf...

This would be my latest post after weeks of not responding to my hobbies. I've been very busy with my small business and I'm really having a hard time coping up. And since I don't have much orders today or inquiries, I will post about what happened today. Or should I say, what my thoughts about my mother. I really don't understand my mother. I've been trying to come up with ideas on how to keep track of her misconception about being a mother and sad to say. None of them refers to her. I really want to stand and defend her but what she's doing is all wrong that's why my brothers have always something to say to her. I really don't like the idea of words throwing at her but she's very arrogant and abusive as well. Mind this. She works only for herself and not for us. She always mind her own wants and not our needs as a family. Her being selfish somehow provoke us to dislike her and hating her. For the past years of being a mother, we never felt her...

There she goes again. She's gone and just like that. With no reason at all. No hi's not even goodbye. And I really don't have any clue to why she's doing it again. She will tell you about her life. Then dissappear out of the open. I cannot even see her profile anymore. I dont know if she blocked me or deactivated her account. Wherever you are, I hope you are okay. I don't want to miss you because I know you are not going to miss me too. If you have problems and you want to keep it to yourself then its okay. Its your life and you are doing it great. As for me, I'm okay and will keep it that way although sometimes I'm not. I want you to know that I will always be here if you need someone to listen or to be your bestfriend again. I will not going to change my name for you to come back. Please take good care of yourself. Bhem ♡♡♡

I am so frustrated right now. My wound is still producing a very smelly oil and I cannot take it anymore. My mind tells me that I should go to the hospital and have it cure. But the sad part is, no one will be able to accompany me. Brothers are too busy with their own life. Mother is also very busy with her work that she still think about on how to spend her earn money for herself. What a useless mother she is. I wake up very early because I slept very early. My wound is still giving me weakness hormones that sometimes I cant eat and all I want is to lay down the whole time. What added to my frustration is the water interruption. At this very early, no water is flowing all over town. Like this is very insane! How can I take a bath? Haaaaaays. Too much thinking! Oh by the way. Also my orders are not ready. Its been ages now that my shipment of orders are not yet in my hands. My supplier gave me another lame reason why it didnt arrive. Also my second supplier is also the worst. I thou...

You know what I'm thinking at the moment? Oh how I really like to take all these three antibacterial tablets infront of me. So that these bacteria causes my wound to itch and painful will gone. This is really stressing me out. I've been crying the whole time because of this. Sometimes I want to end my misery by taking all the tablets I have. It would be more painless, I guess. But thinking about my beloved Ian makes me want to cry more and out loud. I want to lean on his shoulder and ask a hug from him just to, at least washed this painful wound out of my mind. I know asking God of what I've been through is not a good idea, but I asked Him anyway. I asked him to, somehow make these wound painless and not itchy and gone forever. I really want to be normal again even if I have this chronic illness. I want to live more without these painful wounds. Without itchyness. I'm still crying. Because I miss Ian badly. Because of these wounds that causes me to miss Ian badly. ...

Been very busy since I started my online business. I hate numbers and looks like I'm getting the hang of it. So far got clients and orders. I thought it's gonna be easy but I was wrong because its not. Sometimes it gave me headaches and its stresssing me. Private message here and there. Inquiries with the same queries. But I like it. Like even if its stressing me its also giving me outlet of all the troubles I've been having. Today. I will try to make it a lot easier for me to attend all the inquiries and pm's for my possible buyers. Like I really need to. Right now, I try to have a hot coffe and at the same time making a list for all the buyers who never yet settled their payments. And hopefully by Friday or Saturday I can collect them all and by Sunday I will process them. Yes! That would be a lot of work and I can keep up. I hope I can. Okay. I will stop for now and stay focus on numbers so that I can get my income. Yeah. Its all about numbers. Money! Bye!

I can't contain the joy I am feeling at the moment while I'm still in a torment. Like I'm caught in a web full of emotions and anxiety. Yes! It's me wandering around, looking for a place to hide and cry. It's been ages now that I'm still having this wound of my being very hard headed. My Doctor told me I should not take any food that will cause my Phosphorous to hit its high limit. Plus another agony is my rashes all over my body that caused me sleepless nights. Its really bothersome waking up in the middle of the night itching. And what worst is never go back to sleep. I hate it! Another torment is my medicine of very expensive. Hays. If only these meds are free, I would definitely take them every day. Like I'm saving for this. Hays. The truth is, I'm a little bit happy because I got myself another stressful job and that is to sell. Yup! I'm putting up another online business and luckily, its getting the hit of it. Got a lot of inquiries and ...

I scarecely talked to my mom. Because every time we talked or if I have something to say, she's not interested. Like I'm talking to a dead meat. I thought she is just tired or her mind is out there but it's not. She's really not interested. So I figured out that I will not ever gonna talk to her ever. One thing also is, if there is a gossip spreading over our place, juiceko! Her ears will fly. I really dont understand my mom. Like she is from some planet. She don't care about us or even if she cares, it's not real. Like napilitan lang sya. Her gestured are fake. And just to let you know that I don't have a closed relationship with mom. She's a witch you know. When I was a kid. I used to call her WITCH because she always in a wrath with everybody around the house. She wants thing to be okay. And I so hated her when she always nagged me about almost everything. Also she don't want me to go with my father every time my father wants to buy me someth...

2 more months and we will have our new President. The question is. Who will be the next President? I've seen this in my news feeds and tried to check it. And wow! I was amazed by people who are rooting for Mayor Duterte. And looks like 90% of the said survey is from Mayor Digong. Reading those comments flattered me because I am from Davao City, bord and raised here where our Mayor served more than decades. It is very overwhelming that a lot of people wants change for our country and they believe that Mayor Rody Duterte can do that change. From different countries where most of the filipinos are living and working are supporting the deeds of our Mayor. That means only one thing. Mayor Duterte leads the poll. But... wait... Poe is now qualified to run and her supporters are very much happy about that. I really find it very sad because Poe should not be qualified because of her citizenship and it sucks you know,  that a citizen like me, who lived for 33 years in the Philip...

It's past two AM yet I'm still wide awake, again. I watched The Prince and Me awhile ago and got smitten by the story. I know I've seen the movie many times from the past but I just want to watch it again. And here I am again. Thinking what if there is really a prince out there who will take me by surprise. He will fell in love with me and will have me my kidney transplant and I can live happily ever after. How is that for a story? I know it's too impossible but who knows? The truth is. Even if I have Ian as my sole forever, I still have longings and dreams of someday I will find a very rich guy who will accept me and will extend my life. I don't know if it's cheating but that's what I've been thinking about. And I know I am blessed because of Ian but who I am to cut off his happiness too? I love him so much and it worries me all the time. I want him to be with me forever, until we have white hairs. But my life is not in my hands anymore. Ever since...

My life is never been easy. Like, I can die now and revive later kind of thing. That I can be okay and later on I'm not. I cannot predict what will happen next. I'm afraid. So afraid then I will try my best not to feel afraid. I know death will come to me. It can be now or tomorrow or the next day. Who knows? That is why being happy at the moment with those people near to me is the best remedy for keeping me alive. I am not always like this very sentimental but this sickness taught me a lot. That I needed to be strong for the people who prayed and cared for me. For the people who loved me and never hesitated to make me feel special. To that one person who is my source of strength. I really don't care about what other people say. But hey' I'm not that insensitive though. Sometimes I feel all eyes are in me. Because I have a huge viens in my right hand that I look like a monster to other kids. But who cares? I can forgive kids because I know they have this very c...

When was the last time we make love? As far as I remember twas 2012, I think. I feel a lot hopeless whenever I thought about that because as much as possible. I want my boyfriend to be happy. And there is me, very afraid to give myself. I am so thankful though I have a very very kind and very understanding  boyfriend. He understand my well being is not (yet) ready. I still do have a lot of preparations to do before engaging myself to that. I know I am over due of giving myself to him and one day I will or we will have that chance. As for me. I am still not ready. I still have a lot to take of  consideration and it sucks you know. When your mind and heart tells you 'its okay and your body will not agree. Very hopeless. This is what I'm getting when I over think. Sometimes it will complicate the issue. I have what if's running in my head at the moment. Hays. If only I can do better. Wait. Is this heart aching? Oh please no. Please heart don't get over reacting. It...

Had a dream last night. I was with my old flame and his bestfriend. It's kinda odd because I was to be honest thought about him but it was unintentioned. In my dream, we are going to watch movie but we stayed in  his bestfriend's house. Oh by the way, his bestfriend is a girl. We stayed there and had some lunch. But the house is freaky though. It was covered by water. The house is too dark. Looks like its not a house. After having lunch. We went to a movie house but we ned to pass in the back door in order for us to get in. I really don't understand. The movie house looks like a market with lots of blood in the floor. I was afraid to come in but my old flame assured me that I will be okay. In my dream, the bestfriend is not saying anything. She just smiled and look at me like I'm not welcome or something. Weird dream it is. As of the moment I am still thinking about it. I don't know what's the meaning of it. Hopefully its good. ♡♡♡ xoxo Bhem 

2:46 AM and I'm still wide awake. I cannot let this moment pass me by without sharing this here. I was moved again and again with this movie and I cannot help not to cry for a thousand time. Like I watched it 3 years ago when I was still in a good condition and finally I was able to watch it again earlier. I really can't help it. I really like watching it over and over. Like gazillion of thousand times. Okay. Sorry. Did I mentioned it already? Hahaha. Overwhelmed by the story. I hope I can read the other half of Noah and Allies story. When Allie decided to stay with Noah for eternity. I wanna know how their lives moving winning each other. How they finally have kids of their own and how Allie got sick. One time I saw a clip of the movie but it was cut in the movie. And I tried to search for another cut version of the movie but I cannot find another. Sigh. The movie somehow inspired me to write and moved on with my life. Because I know that someday, if the person whom you...

Mr. Sun is not feeling well today and looks like Miss Rain will fill up the spot later. I was watching this old movie earlier - 500 Days of Summer when the electricity went out. Another 3 hours of darkness that's for sure. Hays. We've been having this rotational black out everyday and it sucks you know. But we don't have a choice because we don't have a choice. While waiting for the electricity to work, me and my cousins stayed outside our house. Chatting about anything. Tried to use my mobile data and it's not working. It's very slow so I decided not to use it. This is not fair. Having always this kind of trouble when we don't know what the heck is happening in Davao Light Power company. They announced it on their Facebook page that we only going to experience 3 days of rotational black out but it's not what it is. And it's very annoying, you know. It would be a waste of time and money for those people working at home. And what worst is, we are...

Here's my entry for my Valentine chaos. Well,  same thing happened every year when celebrating the so called 'hearts day'. Went out to have dinner. No flowers or chocolate, the usual. Go for a walk in the mall and went to the public park in the city. Then bought dvd's for our movie marathon. That simple. No extravagant details about that day. I felt so very lucky because despite of my well being now, I still have the kindest man on earth. That means I am so special. To tell you with my past relationship. I was spoiled by them. I want what I want from them. So every valentines day I have flowers and chocolates and a tremendous dinner date in one of the high cost restaurant in the city. But when I dated my boyfriend/husband a long time ago. I discover that being simple is the best way to celebrate love. Simpleness is the essence to a very long relationship equipped with understanding and harmony. I am so blessed to have a boyfriend like Ian. He was my answere...

Earlier today I was thinking of having a new home for my blog. And when I was trying to create new account. I stop myself for awhile and read all of my post from my first blog. To count, I have a hundred and plus blog post already. From the moment I wrote my first until this year. The reason I have a blog is for me to write all my pains and memories of my life in case I need to look back and learn from them. Then I realized that I should have one home for my blog. Because it's been there for 19 years. Then I deleted what I started and write this as my entry. So will have this blog forever. My decision is fix! ♡♡♡ Bhem   

Yesterday, went to see my Nephro for my monthly check up. Waited for an hour, told the secretary about my session later. She said I was in number four. Okay fine. While waiting, I see a lot of patients (I guess because some of them wears a mask) and it looks like they are on the list as well. Waited for several minutes then my name was called. I entered the room right away with Ian. It was cold inside the room and thank God I wear my stripe polo shirt. Then the Doctor approached me. One thing I really like about my nephro is that, she's very nice and kind. She asked me if I'm okay and how I feel. Told her I'm okay and I will have my session later. She took my blood pressure. Looks like it's okay because she didn't give me meds for my blood pressure. So the wally begins. She asked us if I'm willing to have a Kidney Transplant. There she goes again. She told us that the head of the center will facillitate our operation as along as we have a good and healthy d...

My first entry for this year. Daghan kaayo ko'g gusto buhaton sa akong life. You can call me ambitious, don't care. Kay kutob ra man pud kos pangambisyon. So please let me have this moment kay wala mo nasayud sa akong mga pain na naagihan. Okay? Okay. This year, I started traveling again with my Boyfie and our very own Miolet and of course with our new set of friends. I'm not excited though pero I prepared myself para di nako ma spoil ang moment sa akong Ungas. Although my butt hurts, I tried my very best to act as if nothing is really painful for me. Kay nawung man kog laag, di keri lang. We went to Pantukan by the way, somewhere in Davao Del Norte. I was expecting a paradise kind of thing in that place kay sa kadaghan nice places na meetingan ug inductionan sa Samal, didto gyud tawun sila nangando. Maybe dala na lang pud cguro rides rides. Ana? So as I was saying, I was expecting a Paradise. Ug sa dihang. JuiceColored! Mura man mig naa sa Times Beach man nuon. The ar...