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Undecided

When was the last time we make love?
As far as I remember twas 2012, I think. I feel a lot hopeless whenever I thought about that because as much as possible. I want my boyfriend to be happy. And there is me, very afraid to give myself.

I am so thankful though I have a very very kind and very understanding  boyfriend. He understand my well being is not (yet) ready. I still do have a lot of preparations to do before engaging myself to that. I know I am over due of giving myself to him and one day I will or we will have that chance.

As for me. I am still not ready. I still have a lot to take of  consideration and it sucks you know. When your mind and heart tells you 'its okay and your body will not agree. Very hopeless.

This is what I'm getting when I over think. Sometimes it will complicate the issue. I have what if's running in my head at the moment. Hays. If only I can do better. Wait. Is this heart aching? Oh please no. Please heart don't get over reacting. It is not your time. Give me more years before you retire because kidney did already. And let me remind you, there is no treatment to prolong your life. Please stay and behave. Okay! Lets do this. Take a deep breath and exhale. That's it. We are doing pretty good. Now, lets do that again. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Okay. Good. Good. Good.


xoxo
Bhem

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