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Being awake.

It's past two AM yet I'm still wide awake, again. I watched The Prince and Me awhile ago and got smitten by the story. I know I've seen the movie many times from the past but I just want to watch it again. And here I am again. Thinking what if there is really a prince out there who will take me by surprise. He will fell in love with me and will have me my kidney transplant and I can live happily ever after. How is that for a story? I know it's too impossible but who knows?

The truth is. Even if I have Ian as my sole forever, I still have longings and dreams of someday I will find a very rich guy who will accept me and will extend my life. I don't know if it's cheating but that's what I've been thinking about. And I know I am blessed because of Ian but who I am to cut off his happiness too? I love him so much and it worries me all the time. I want him to be with me forever, until we have white hairs. But my life is not in my hands anymore.

Ever since his been with me, supporting me through every dime he spent just to make me feel better. And I cannot give him the pleasure because I'm so afraid.

I should be thankful which almost all the time I am. I am so very lucky that he never give up on me but I want him to be happy. I want him to feel his life and make his dream come true. But he can't because I'm stuck with him.

I know I've been so emotional these past few days. And I need to breathe this here. Relax my thoughts and let them out. Hopefully with this I can slumber now.

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