JustBhem

With all brave and confidence, I will tell you this.. I am jealous. I am jealous of her, of everything she have now. Maybe all along I was thinking I was her. That I can do this and I can do whatever she is capable of. Sad to boot, I can never be like her. She has everything now while me, I'm stuck in this sickness that covered me for eternity and no too long will turned into ash someday. While she will live longer, happy of what she achieve. I once thought that I'm ahead of her when it comes to experiences or getting what I want. It's true that the world is round, it can get you higher and will get you down. Life is also like that. Never think about it before. I'm still lucky they say because I'm still alive, yup! I believe that. And she's lucky and fortunate too. She make her dreams come true. My question is? Am I going to make mine too?

I was in my me time, oh by the way when I say 'my me time' that is my nap time. I don't want to give you any grin ideas of what is that. Lol.. Okay? So I was in my me time when Karlo came in. He was a mess. I knew there was something wrong but I didn't bother to ask him. He blow a huge sigh. Then started talking to me without looking at me. Probably not to see my disapproval expression. He said, he's tired already. He tried everything to give what's the best for her. He got his pride under his balls to give everything to her and in the end it's all his fault. I let him talk and never bother to ask. He continued.. He said,  She knows I sacrifice everything and choose her. Does she knows that? Then he look at me,  I saw his teary eyes. He pause. And I knew it's my turn to speak. Your problem is so easy, 'leave her and come back here,think everything first and if you think you are ready to face her then go back to her' I said. He didn't s...

Just to let you know. I am not a good writer. Yup! I write as part of my healing process and nope! I don't have a mental disorder or under depression. I am a HemoDialysis patient. I write because this is my passion, my addiction and my medicine. I write to bespeak my feelings and emotions in that way I have something to look after. This blog is all about anything. It can be about love, hate, dreams, poems, happenings, reminders and experiences. I started to blog, if I'm not wrong that was 2008 or 2009. I started it by writing my very first heartaches. A friend told me. I should write my pain in a journal and make it a habit. When one of my friends friend publish her personal blog. Right away I signed up and that's all started. I remember I cried while writing every bits and pieces of my so called 'heartaches. Then I laughed after because I find it very stupid and continued writing. Now I am back for being a regular here in this spot. Last year I was busy sharin...

Time check is 1:06 AM in this side of the world and guess what? I'm still awake. Well I always sleep late and wake up late so this routine is never new to me. Since I can't sleep yet, I will post this entry first. I was busy checking my Instagram and stalked people. I also updated my Facebook account. And while I was updating my twitter, Father caught me still awake and told me to sleep already. I told him I will in a minute. Then saw my 5th Brother from my Father's room. I waited for him to use the sofa where he used to sleep because he needs to wake up early to work. When I didn't see him sleeping in the sofa, I looked for him and found him sleeping to my 6th Brother's room. I remember we had a fight two days ago and I was so sad because of that. I prayed that everything will be back to normal where I can talk to him and ask him favor. And today, my prayers are answered. He talked to me already and he stays in the house. I am so thankful. I know I owe him a lot...

October of 2013. I felt very ill. I started to feel weak, tired, exhausted and headache is annoying. Every 12 midnight I keep coughing and losing my breath. I can't stand it, then I cannot sleep without going back and forth in the comfort room. And in the morning, I can't see. My sight is fading and a headache. I have no cue that it will be the start of what suppose to be my ending. We found out that I have a uncompromising anemia that triggered everything, from my blood pressure that keep rising, to my kidneys functionality and up to my heart pumping condition. Thinking about all these back then, it was not easy for me to accept all. In November, I was diagnosed to have a Kindey failure that needs me to undergo Hemo Dialysis for two times in a week. But before that I need to have a blood transfusion first and they need me to have 7 bags of Blood Type O plus, and 5 bags of platelets. That's a lot, I know and we are able to do that. December 25, 2013. It was Christmas...