I kind of feel sad at the moment.
I was trying to get back with sleep but looks like sleep left me for a while.
The boyfriend hasn't messaged me back, maybe he was having fun with our mutual friends and to think he has work tomorrow.
I feel exhausted and I finished my task right before my head strikes to burn.
I get a nap of like 20 minutes and I'm awake again. I still heard my relatives still talking at this hour, looks like they are having some Family meeting.
Since I hate going to the bathroom for the 3rd time, I took an antimotility tablet which helps me a lot.
Back to being sad.
While I was having my nap, my Mother's face appears in my thoughts. She looks so sad and I feel so sad too. And it got me to wonder why is she sad? When she is good at pretending and she is a big fat lier. Aside from that, it makes me think what's with her experiences that makes her not loving us?
As far as I remember, one thing I like about her is when she comb my hair while I was sleeping and put some coconut oil on it. I like the sensation she puts through while he was rubbing it. I pretended I was still sleeping so that she won't mind doing it for me. But the next morning, I have oily hair going to school because she does not want me to wash it so that the oil will last and my hair will shine. I feel like having a thick hair at school but thank God, no one notice it.
And the meanest thing she did for me when I was a child was she used to call me names when I did something out of luck. As a kid, I tend to be careless at times and she always beat me or sometimes pinched me in my thigh. I don't mind being hurt and what makes me really hurt is the names he used to call me. Your own Mother calling you names is not a Mother at all. But since I was a good kid before, I tried to understand her and love her.
When that moment I found out that the reason why she gave me away is for her to have freedom from the pain she had for my Father, yes, after finding out that Father was with her mistress in the prison, she took the liberty to get wild and rebel. Maybe for a teenager, it's accurate but for a Mother who has 6 kids? It's not right at all! It's called Irresponsible Mother and flirty.
She started dating guys who know nothing but to be a driver. What a waste! She becomes wild and never cared enough for my siblings who she left with her. Until she got pregnant with another guy. Imagine that.
I felt bad about it. But looking back to her pain, she was never loved because she was not the one my Father loves. She was a teenager who likes to go outside with friends, flirting with guys. A typical thing to happen for wild teenagers to have a one night stand. Then came me. Father felt I will be the future for their relationship. Instead of going nowhere to get rid of Mother who pushes herself to be accepted by her he gave in.
They got married before I was born.
Father believes that with her everything will be alright, so that was his thought. But he thinks he made a mistake. The mother becomes so much insecure and that she nags most of the time. Father did his best to put food in the table and send us to good schools. By doing what's best for his Family he becomes sad because maybe she thinks that Mother is taking all his works for granted because of her frequent nagging.
And that he found someone who makes him as a man. Who accepted him despite his imperfection. I know it is not right at all. Having an affair with someone who is not your Mother is against the law. But Father was unhappy. Unhappy of the life, of the marriage he had for my Mother who never appreciates him. Yes, who am I to judge this two not fated soul?
For all I understand is that they both wanted to be happy, but not to each other arms but with someone else.
If only Mother was being kind to me, to us her children. If she did not reject us, my siblings would have been in their highest recognition. Maybe I have a Policeman Brother, a Nurse Brother, a Businessman Brother or even a Seaman Brother. It would be a happy relationship between us and her if she did not think about her pain selfishly. If she did not think about herself. She was a coward because she let her miserable life ruined her and my Brother's future.
I know she is not perfect. Nobody is perfect. But as a Mother, her only job is to take care of her children and make them feel that in the world where there is a lot of temptation, only her children can be the one to be with her in the rest of her life.
I want her to feel sorry for all the times she wasted for finding happiness which she could not find because of her selfish behavior. It would be okay if she was happy finding the guy who makes her happy but sadly ends up in the same wasted guy. And look at her now.
I know she is still sad and what I admired her is that she can hide it very well.
I know I still love her because I feel her pain. I also hate her for being mean and arrogant, and bad. She cusses a lot too.
What I think she should do is change herself for the better since she is also sick. She needs to accept that she cannot bring back the bad past she experienced instead embrace the future while she is still breathing and appreciate her kids who are still loving and cares for her despite her foul mouth and bad attitude.
I want her to feel every pain her children felt when they are alone when no Mother was there to look after for them when they needed someone to care for them. Yes, I was not there too. But I care too much for them.
I know Father has his own share of faults and the good thing was he recover from the pain of not having a decent Family he ever wanted. If only he was too patient enough to just let go of the nagging and the jealousy my Mother was making him, we are still together as a Family.
We could have been the happiest Family ever. He could have been a good Father because he provides us a shelter and a food in our table, while Mother could have been very soft to us and did her job as a Mother to us. I could have professional brothers. How nice imagining these things right now.
I was trying to get back with sleep but looks like sleep left me for a while.
The boyfriend hasn't messaged me back, maybe he was having fun with our mutual friends and to think he has work tomorrow.
I feel exhausted and I finished my task right before my head strikes to burn.
I get a nap of like 20 minutes and I'm awake again. I still heard my relatives still talking at this hour, looks like they are having some Family meeting.
Since I hate going to the bathroom for the 3rd time, I took an antimotility tablet which helps me a lot.
Back to being sad.
While I was having my nap, my Mother's face appears in my thoughts. She looks so sad and I feel so sad too. And it got me to wonder why is she sad? When she is good at pretending and she is a big fat lier. Aside from that, it makes me think what's with her experiences that makes her not loving us?
As far as I remember, one thing I like about her is when she comb my hair while I was sleeping and put some coconut oil on it. I like the sensation she puts through while he was rubbing it. I pretended I was still sleeping so that she won't mind doing it for me. But the next morning, I have oily hair going to school because she does not want me to wash it so that the oil will last and my hair will shine. I feel like having a thick hair at school but thank God, no one notice it.
And the meanest thing she did for me when I was a child was she used to call me names when I did something out of luck. As a kid, I tend to be careless at times and she always beat me or sometimes pinched me in my thigh. I don't mind being hurt and what makes me really hurt is the names he used to call me. Your own Mother calling you names is not a Mother at all. But since I was a good kid before, I tried to understand her and love her.
When that moment I found out that the reason why she gave me away is for her to have freedom from the pain she had for my Father, yes, after finding out that Father was with her mistress in the prison, she took the liberty to get wild and rebel. Maybe for a teenager, it's accurate but for a Mother who has 6 kids? It's not right at all! It's called Irresponsible Mother and flirty.
She started dating guys who know nothing but to be a driver. What a waste! She becomes wild and never cared enough for my siblings who she left with her. Until she got pregnant with another guy. Imagine that.
I felt bad about it. But looking back to her pain, she was never loved because she was not the one my Father loves. She was a teenager who likes to go outside with friends, flirting with guys. A typical thing to happen for wild teenagers to have a one night stand. Then came me. Father felt I will be the future for their relationship. Instead of going nowhere to get rid of Mother who pushes herself to be accepted by her he gave in.
They got married before I was born.
Father believes that with her everything will be alright, so that was his thought. But he thinks he made a mistake. The mother becomes so much insecure and that she nags most of the time. Father did his best to put food in the table and send us to good schools. By doing what's best for his Family he becomes sad because maybe she thinks that Mother is taking all his works for granted because of her frequent nagging.
And that he found someone who makes him as a man. Who accepted him despite his imperfection. I know it is not right at all. Having an affair with someone who is not your Mother is against the law. But Father was unhappy. Unhappy of the life, of the marriage he had for my Mother who never appreciates him. Yes, who am I to judge this two not fated soul?
For all I understand is that they both wanted to be happy, but not to each other arms but with someone else.
If only Mother was being kind to me, to us her children. If she did not reject us, my siblings would have been in their highest recognition. Maybe I have a Policeman Brother, a Nurse Brother, a Businessman Brother or even a Seaman Brother. It would be a happy relationship between us and her if she did not think about her pain selfishly. If she did not think about herself. She was a coward because she let her miserable life ruined her and my Brother's future.
I know she is not perfect. Nobody is perfect. But as a Mother, her only job is to take care of her children and make them feel that in the world where there is a lot of temptation, only her children can be the one to be with her in the rest of her life.
I want her to feel sorry for all the times she wasted for finding happiness which she could not find because of her selfish behavior. It would be okay if she was happy finding the guy who makes her happy but sadly ends up in the same wasted guy. And look at her now.
I know she is still sad and what I admired her is that she can hide it very well.
I know I still love her because I feel her pain. I also hate her for being mean and arrogant, and bad. She cusses a lot too.
What I think she should do is change herself for the better since she is also sick. She needs to accept that she cannot bring back the bad past she experienced instead embrace the future while she is still breathing and appreciate her kids who are still loving and cares for her despite her foul mouth and bad attitude.
I want her to feel every pain her children felt when they are alone when no Mother was there to look after for them when they needed someone to care for them. Yes, I was not there too. But I care too much for them.
I know Father has his own share of faults and the good thing was he recover from the pain of not having a decent Family he ever wanted. If only he was too patient enough to just let go of the nagging and the jealousy my Mother was making him, we are still together as a Family.
We could have been the happiest Family ever. He could have been a good Father because he provides us a shelter and a food in our table, while Mother could have been very soft to us and did her job as a Mother to us. I could have professional brothers. How nice imagining these things right now.
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