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I'm a Loser?

It's 2:10 in the morning and I'm still wide awake. 
I've been changing websites from myLot to another. 
I know I am bothered with something and I just can't explain it. 
I have no one to talk to except answering my responses to myLot. 
And I know, nobody cares how I feel at the moment. 

 This week, I and the boyfriend had a scheduled visit with my Nephro Doctor in one her new office. Thank God, no one was around when we came in meaning we have the Doctor in our time. She noticed my hair which is very long and she wants me to cut it because it's taking away my calcium. I didn't bring my lab because by the next day we will have our monthly laboratory anyway but I know my stats so I let her know. 

 Based on the stats I open to her, she said that my PTH level is high and I should take medicines for that which I already did. I also shared to her that I have reaction from taking the medicine so she advises me not take it, instead I will have calcium for 3 days then the calcifar. We will go from there and check what would be the effect. She also explained to me why I am having such a reaction, it is because the calcifar is taking away my calcium as well. I also told her about the bump I have in my pelvis. She checks it said that it's caused by my Phosphorous and I told her I have 8 which is so high. That I should take Renvella and before it's getting bigger I should have it operated. 

 Thinking about it makes me worry. Another problem arises. How I wish I have all the money in the world and I could just go with the Kidney Transplant, and not worry about anything anymore. Too impossible, but who knows. 

 Then another thing is my ex-best friend who keeps annoying me. She is back in the circle of my friends. And I hate her around them. Even in our Fraternity she is active and trying to make me jealous. The heck! 

 I know I have been stressing myself about it but I can't help it. That no matter how I tried to keep balancing the situation, I still feel the loser. Just because I cannot do those things anymore and I feel so ashamed of myself anymore. 

 I hope by taking all those medicines my Doctor prescribed makes me well. 
I'm hating myself already and I don't want to end it just like that. 

 My new hair length. 

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