JustBhem

Karon lang nako na realize na sa una pa diay nako gina defend akong mama sa akong Lola Fely (purya hisgot), sa akong mga anty (igsuon sa akong papa) ug sa lain tao. Before, I remember someone told me about my mother na sa una pirmi daw didto sa Calinan and naga inom. For me I don't believe it because I know his busy taking care of my siblings. Na she works hard for my siblings. Until one day, nakita nako ang pag daku sa tiyan sa akong mama. Whenever I remember that, maglagot gyud ko. For the past 13 years of being independent, I can say na di gyud lalim walay parents labi nag inahan. Pero I'm loving the freedom I get. And na realize nako na I was never loved by my mother. Kay she never was a good mother to me, not a single one. And when I came back here, nakita nako iyahang true colors. That's why I cannot blame my brothers for hating me gamay. She was never a good mother for my siblings. Ug tinuod sarili lang gyud niya iyahang gi huna2 that's why Father always go ...

Here I am again. Flooding my thoughts whether I should be here or not. And guess what?! Naa napud ko ngari. Supposedly I should be sleeping na kay Birthday ni Basty karon. Bonifacio Day. I need to prepare his Birthday sa gamay'ng handa. Since naa man mi gi alagaan na manok, so mao to among lutuon ugma. We planned to have chicken afritada, chicken curry and chicken/pork adobo. Family gathering and other relatives lang gud. As long as mahandaan gamay si Basty. Father Bear already gave his simple blow out gaina. I'm so tired ug binaktasay sa mall pero keri lang japun because I don't want to spoil Basty's happiness. Sakay sakay sya sa mga rides sa mall; bump car, train-train ug uban pa. Then nag snack mis Jollibee, na tingala ko na hakog man kaayo kog drum stick and guess what? Wala gyud nako na ubos akong share. It's like I'm busog when in fact I didn't have my breakfast and lunch. Then picture picture kay Jollibee mascot with Yum pero si Basty hastang had...

Two more nights and it's Basty's Birthday. Been planning to celebrate it sa balay lang kay kapoy mag pool or mag dagat. Will cook spaghetti or bihon with bread for kids in the neighborhood pero na change sya because of his father. So we decided na ilaag na lang namo sya ni Ian sa mall, mag jollibee and mag rides rides. For his happiness since di paman gyud niya ma feel ang essence sa iyahang Birthday kay mag 3 paman sya. Then na timingan pjud na session nako so I need to have plan B. I just can't ignore this devil. His been with us since his father abondoned him and when his mother left him. Luoy na bata that is why I'm here to give all the love he can get from me since I don't have our own. I love this kid so much it hurts everytime mahuna-hunaan nako na mawala nako sa kalibutan kay mag unsa na lang ning bataa ni. I don't want him to suffer as what his father's been through. I want him to be educated and win every battle he will have. Ug unta naa ko when...

This part of my sanity is where I write my issues. This has been open to those who want to know the real me. Well I guess no one bothers to know me coz no one ever visited this page. Maybe someday, if I will be gone. Okay. I've been very bad to my brother (Archie). Like I always nagged him every time na mosulod syag balay. For me, he deserved that because gipili niya iyang de puta na uyab. He deserved that kind of treatment because I'm tired of helping him, understanding him and defending him. All my life as a sister,I tried everything to make him good pero at the end ako pa jpun ang mali. After all the help and the money to saved his ass from prison, ako jpun ang mali. I tried to understand him kay wala ko sa iyahang tungod when our mother fucked up. I know nga dili lalim iyahang mga na agihan na walay sister or mother na mag alaga sa iyaha. I know the feeling because I also went to that moment of emptiness. But it didn't give me reason to stay a bad ass. That is why li...

Been contemplating my thoughts whether I should fill this portion or not. And since I still can't sleep, yet, let me fill this in. Christmas is just around the corner. People are very busy buying stuff for their houses to be decorated with christmas essentials. And  since I loved christmas, I decided to buy some, of course with the boyfie's expense. Mother wants to have a blue christmas motif (pag bigyan) so I bought blue decorations such as blue christmas balls and blue christmas lights for her delight. Actually, I really don't care about decorations as long as we will have that what so called christmas spirits. Then we made a list of foods for our Noche Buena (sar) so that we can do some preparations. Mom wants to cook boneless lechon belly. Which I doubt it will never be because of our budget. As for me I never ask for expensive foods and a small family gathering is top of my list. I want my Christmas will be a memorable one, unlike last year. I want to beat that ...

It's 2:54 in the morning and I'm here so awake watching videos of JT in Youtube. I just want to feel okay before slumbering. Okay. I think I feel the need to patch this space here and when was the the last time I posted some 'unwanted post' here? Anyway, we checked my lab result at the center and twas raining when I shouldn't be but since I want to know the result of my lab, we push hard enough to get through the rain. It should be worth it if I passed the lab result and just like we thought, I got low grade of 61 (I'm referring to my Hemoglobin count for this month) by the way. I felt sad about it but I really dont have a slot for choices so that means I need to have another blood transfusions on monday. That would be two days from now. So, Ian (the boyfriend) planned to be the donor (for blood) and we will be early on monday for the screening and other things. After all the plannings and talking, off we went to the city to buy meds (for my maintenance) an...