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Rainy Thoughts.

One day, as I was doing my daily routine of thinking what will happen next, I caught up with this thought. What happens if I will die? This is after I found out one of my friend in the center died of heart attack. He was in his 7 years I think of HemoDialysis. He was a good friend because he always telling me about being strong and put all my heart and keep believing what God is in store for us.

Then, the thought came to me like a sword touching my heart and cut the deepest emotion I have. I cried to that thought of me dying. That is why I need to come up with plans and goals if in case God will pull my switch. I need them to remember me, not the things I did wrong but the good things I did when I was still alive while being sick.

Yes, I get envious of people with beautiful life because they love themselves more. Unlike me, I love the idea of loving people more than myself that is why I forgot to take care of myself.

I wonder as well if my family will remember me once I'm 8 feet below the ground. Do they still think of me when I'm dead? Tsk. I'm having a second thought about that. Because they don't even care for me when I'm still in this case, what more if I'm dead.

With this body who is getting weaker but my mind is very strong. There will be a time that this body will break and there will be the time that I cannot make use of them. That is why, as much as possible, I want to use the remaining strength I have in me. Take advantage of it though sometimes I'm so weak.

This worries me. I think I'm not afraid to die. What I'm afraid is for the people whom I love will forget me. Forget me because I am nothing to them anymore. I am just a piece of ash someday.


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