JustBhem

One day, as I was doing my daily routine of thinking what will happen next, I caught up with this thought. What happens if I will die? This is after I found out one of my friend in the center died of heart attack. He was in his 7 years I think of HemoDialysis. He was a good friend because he always telling me about being strong and put all my heart and keep believing what God is in store for us. Then, the thought came to me like a sword touching my heart and cut the deepest emotion I have. I cried to that thought of me dying. That is why I need to come up with plans and goals if in case God will pull my switch. I need them to remember me, not the things I did wrong but the good things I did when I was still alive while being sick. Yes, I get envious of people with beautiful life because they love themselves more. Unlike me, I love the idea of loving people more than myself that is why I forgot to take care of myself. I wonder as well if my family will remember me once I'm 8 ...

After watching this series  13 Reasons Why. I began to wonder. How does it feel to be bullied? I wonder what are the thoughts running through their minds? I wonder how they feel. I wonder how they can cope up with this bad and awful reality about life? I remember when I was a kid. I was in my Elementary days. I remember I once was a good kid. I always follow rules and I hate when someone notices me. I don't like people who I think don't like me. Then I got friends who happened to be like me and I'm liking it. The attention they gave me is the best of my days. Talking to them like I was always part of their lives. In a society like this, we cannot please anybody. We cannot make someone happy by being around them. There are just people, same as me. With different thoughts like me. I cannot blame them or myself. Then someone or in that group of people saw me like I was a good thing to be a joke. They started to make a name. Which I really don't like but as a good gi...

I had my session earlier and it was successful. I sleep the entire 4 hours, well, of course, I had my dinner before going back to slumber. While I was sleeping, the boyfriend sat right next to me, watch me sleeping. He does that every time I have my treatment. Sometimes he sleeps too. I am thankful enough to breathe freely because I'm able to achieve my goal. Though it is not yet done. I still need to do more of the process before I can say I'm through. I only have one simple goal in life for this year, and that is to be able to work in the comfort of my own space. With the help of my ever supportive boyfriend, who gave me everything I want. Supported me in this new journey I will soon be facing. I am indeed grateful. My goal for this year is to get a job. Have at least a decent job. A job where I don't need to go outside, pushing myself under the heat of the blazing sun. Where I don't need to sweat my armpit walking my way to work. I am very delighted to share...

I am happy and at the same time worried about all these. I am worried how to pay all these - the Internet connection and this new laptop. I just can't leave the boyfriend in this. He already did everything for me with no doubt. I just want to pay him for all the goodness he made for me and he will do to me in the future. Hopefully, after getting all set, I can pay him for all the goodness he did for me. That is why, no matter what it takes, I will do everything to work and save. I want to give him what he deserve. I want to make him happy. I want to make him proud of me even though I am sick. I cannot just sit and watch him doing all the hardwork for us. I promised myself this year that I will be productive. I will make a way to earn no matter what it takes. Whatever job it is as long as it comforts me. I don't mind working 24 hours a day just to save and buy aything I need. Also, I want to help my family build a comfortable home where they can be proud. Where they can s...