No matter how hard I tried to skip what I'm feeling by reading a book, the pain is still there. I really can't take the scene I encountered earlier. My heart is in pain seeing my Father leaving the house with all of his things. He leaves because it's not what he wanted to do but doing my so called mother a Big favor. And I hate her, so much! I tried to bring back the good side I have for her but no matter how I tried, she still a pain. A pain for us all.
I kept asking myself of all people I want to hate, why my own mother? My mother,who brought me to this world, gave me shelter and took me for 9 months in her womb. Only to find out that I was never loved. I was never the daughter she wants. I don't even remember she brought me things or give me presents. All I can remember is, she always nags. Always get mad. Always gets jealous. I never see her happy with us. All she ever think is revenge for what my Father did to her. And look what she brought for herself, a son from another guy. Whenever I remember that memoir, I feel ashamed. So ashamed of what she had done.
Now, I felt more empty without my Father around the house. Who's gonna cook for me?
I hope she's happy now that my Father left the house. I wanted to acurse her and tell her how much I hated her for doing that. I wanted to say millions of words to her on how I hate her. For being a vengeful wife and a mother. And tell her that she was never a mother to us! A selfish mother! Who know nothing but only to please her self. Hays.. I have so much baggage in my shoulder already. And I don't mind excessing the baggage for I want to have a peaceful and happy life for the remaining days, weeks, months and years of being alive. But my mother is the one pushing me to be a bad person. Because of her I'm full of hate in my heart.
ANd this is nothing to do with God. I love God and He's the only I've got when it comes to my problems, gratefulness and happiness. But I really just can't get over this hatred I have to my own mother. My selfish of a mother. That no matter how I tried praying for her, she still not changing.
I kept asking myself of all people I want to hate, why my own mother? My mother,who brought me to this world, gave me shelter and took me for 9 months in her womb. Only to find out that I was never loved. I was never the daughter she wants. I don't even remember she brought me things or give me presents. All I can remember is, she always nags. Always get mad. Always gets jealous. I never see her happy with us. All she ever think is revenge for what my Father did to her. And look what she brought for herself, a son from another guy. Whenever I remember that memoir, I feel ashamed. So ashamed of what she had done.
Now, I felt more empty without my Father around the house. Who's gonna cook for me?
I hope she's happy now that my Father left the house. I wanted to acurse her and tell her how much I hated her for doing that. I wanted to say millions of words to her on how I hate her. For being a vengeful wife and a mother. And tell her that she was never a mother to us! A selfish mother! Who know nothing but only to please her self. Hays.. I have so much baggage in my shoulder already. And I don't mind excessing the baggage for I want to have a peaceful and happy life for the remaining days, weeks, months and years of being alive. But my mother is the one pushing me to be a bad person. Because of her I'm full of hate in my heart.
ANd this is nothing to do with God. I love God and He's the only I've got when it comes to my problems, gratefulness and happiness. But I really just can't get over this hatred I have to my own mother. My selfish of a mother. That no matter how I tried praying for her, she still not changing.
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