Where is that girl?

No matter how hard I tried of letting go of this feeling called "insecurities", it's still haunted me every now and then.

I completely understand the feeling and the whole process, yet still I find myself empty far worst than miserable.

I tried to be strong facing my daily battle with open arms. I accepted the fact that it wont change anything now. Yet I still find it so very hard not to curse or to feel ashamed of what's happening to me.

Sometime, I found myself looking back. Where I used to be that simple, ordinary girl with pleasing pretty face. Where all the things I want is beyond my reach. And now, sitting here alone, two hands typing these words.

I never tried to look myself in the mirror because I know it will show how awful I am. Then I cried after in silence, took a photo of myself and back to crying again.

Darn! I will never get back what once mine. I will never be that girl with a pleasing pretty face. I will never be that punk-rock-reggae-lovin' girl anymore, coz now all I have are scarred, dark skin and think veins.

That woman of fix thoughts and beauty are long gone, it is now covered with old thick wrinkles. Do I still need to say I'm lucky? I asked this one time to myself, what did I do wrong to experience these long process of dying? I don't do drugs. I work hard for myself and for my family. I love with all my heart. Why me? Of all people who stole, kill and having an affair did not experience this. Am I that lucky? Should I be happy?

They say I am lucky because I was giving another chance to live, and I was rejoicing, kept thanking God for that. But why I'm still suffering? Jealous? Insecure? I wish God took these from me when he took my first life so that I wont ever have to feel I am living pathetically.

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Korean Historic Drama : Empress Ki..

For five days of not having a connection from internet, I went on buying the full episode of korean's historic drama 'Empress Ki'. I watched it for 4 days in a row and mom was furious checking our electricity bill. Anyway, the story gyrated when a simple girl from Koryo become the Empress of the Yuan Dynasty, and before she achieve the throne, she needs to by pass those people who battle her to reign the throne. It was a 51 episode and every episode consumed an hour, so imagine my mom's furious eyes. This is the first time I took a chance to watch a korean historic drama. I really don't like history, especially the dress and how they dress. When father bear asked me to buy the full episode and watched it, I got hooked up and never want to end the story. And to my surprised. I finished watching it. These are the characters from the Korean's Historic Drama 'Empress Ki'. Empress Ki or Sung Nyang Ki. Played by Ha Ji Won. Togon Temur, the...

Bored or Not, I still write..

Whenever I felt that I am the worst human being to experienced Life cruelties, I pray hard, that, if only, I could save other people from their own suffering, I will carry them myself but I'm not Jesus. I don't have the will to do that. I'm just human who are still suffering from life's fairness. You may say I am being bored for what is written here but I am on my own sanity. I just love to write and let go of my thoughts for somebody who will accidentally try to read all of my life's dramas. Who knows, they may find answers or maybe enlightenment for their own miseries. Hopefully. Or maybe a laughing porgatory (for being dull). I know my writings are not somehow like a pro but definitely people will understand them, and if not, then try to look for more meaningful blogs ahead. So what are you waiting for? Tired of reading? Kidding. Stay. Please.. Okay, the thought about this post is how my day today is about to end. I did nothing the whole day but to keep...

Overflowing

It must be great if I am, but I'm not. Now I believe I was born for this. Health is always been an issue to me since last year. I thought this year will give me luck, unfortunately it's still the same as last year. I mean I can easily get cough and flu, and the worst is, it will never get easily be treated. Like it will last a week or two. Also money issue. Of course it is. I should be happy because I can get help from my Fraternity but it's not enough. I mean if you sum it up it's not enough for my daily medications. And it doesn't mean I am not thankful. I am. Okay. One of my friend stop her assistant for me. It makes me sad because it helps a lot, and I do understand her. She also need to feed her family here. Now I don't know how to start. I'm thinking to go back to work. Maybe that's the last thing I need to do, to supply my needs and my treatment. For now I still need to get this bloated tummy away first before I hit the ran way.

JustBhem

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