Where is that girl?

No matter how hard I tried of letting go of this feeling called "insecurities", it's still haunted me every now and then.

I completely understand the feeling and the whole process, yet still I find myself empty far worst than miserable.

I tried to be strong facing my daily battle with open arms. I accepted the fact that it wont change anything now. Yet I still find it so very hard not to curse or to feel ashamed of what's happening to me.

Sometime, I found myself looking back. Where I used to be that simple, ordinary girl with pleasing pretty face. Where all the things I want is beyond my reach. And now, sitting here alone, two hands typing these words.

I never tried to look myself in the mirror because I know it will show how awful I am. Then I cried after in silence, took a photo of myself and back to crying again.

Darn! I will never get back what once mine. I will never be that girl with a pleasing pretty face. I will never be that punk-rock-reggae-lovin' girl anymore, coz now all I have are scarred, dark skin and think veins.

That woman of fix thoughts and beauty are long gone, it is now covered with old thick wrinkles. Do I still need to say I'm lucky? I asked this one time to myself, what did I do wrong to experience these long process of dying? I don't do drugs. I work hard for myself and for my family. I love with all my heart. Why me? Of all people who stole, kill and having an affair did not experience this. Am I that lucky? Should I be happy?

They say I am lucky because I was giving another chance to live, and I was rejoicing, kept thanking God for that. But why I'm still suffering? Jealous? Insecure? I wish God took these from me when he took my first life so that I wont ever have to feel I am living pathetically.

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