Where is that girl?

No matter how hard I tried of letting go of this feeling called "insecurities", it's still haunted me every now and then.

I completely understand the feeling and the whole process, yet still I find myself empty far worst than miserable.

I tried to be strong facing my daily battle with open arms. I accepted the fact that it wont change anything now. Yet I still find it so very hard not to curse or to feel ashamed of what's happening to me.

Sometime, I found myself looking back. Where I used to be that simple, ordinary girl with pleasing pretty face. Where all the things I want is beyond my reach. And now, sitting here alone, two hands typing these words.

I never tried to look myself in the mirror because I know it will show how awful I am. Then I cried after in silence, took a photo of myself and back to crying again.

Darn! I will never get back what once mine. I will never be that girl with a pleasing pretty face. I will never be that punk-rock-reggae-lovin' girl anymore, coz now all I have are scarred, dark skin and think veins.

That woman of fix thoughts and beauty are long gone, it is now covered with old thick wrinkles. Do I still need to say I'm lucky? I asked this one time to myself, what did I do wrong to experience these long process of dying? I don't do drugs. I work hard for myself and for my family. I love with all my heart. Why me? Of all people who stole, kill and having an affair did not experience this. Am I that lucky? Should I be happy?

They say I am lucky because I was giving another chance to live, and I was rejoicing, kept thanking God for that. But why I'm still suffering? Jealous? Insecure? I wish God took these from me when he took my first life so that I wont ever have to feel I am living pathetically.

Comments

I take the survey again .................

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Room Issues..

Father bear is almost done fixing my room. The only problem is the wall. I really need to do something to my wall because it will help me brighten up my day every time I wake up, but I'm having trouble which one should I pick. I was thinking of a rasta color room, that makes my room colorful and for sure it will spread good vibes. I also like sky blue and baby pink room, more like of a teen though. Anyway, I have some photos here that might help me choose the best before going any further.. This is how it will look like if in case I want to paint it like this. It's awesome! It will really describe me being a fan of rasta culture. Don't mind the bed because I can't afford it, just imagine the color of the wall. It looks refreshing, right? It will help me probably to enlighten my day in case bad vibes is about to open. What say you? The last one is this, baby pink color wall. So girly, and teen spirited atmosphere. Again, don't mind the bed,...

Overflowing

It must be great if I am, but I'm not. Now I believe I was born for this. Health is always been an issue to me since last year. I thought this year will give me luck, unfortunately it's still the same as last year. I mean I can easily get cough and flu, and the worst is, it will never get easily be treated. Like it will last a week or two. Also money issue. Of course it is. I should be happy because I can get help from my Fraternity but it's not enough. I mean if you sum it up it's not enough for my daily medications. And it doesn't mean I am not thankful. I am. Okay. One of my friend stop her assistant for me. It makes me sad because it helps a lot, and I do understand her. She also need to feed her family here. Now I don't know how to start. I'm thinking to go back to work. Maybe that's the last thing I need to do, to supply my needs and my treatment. For now I still need to get this bloated tummy away first before I hit the ran way.

JustBhem

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